The thing about being sick – or, I suppose, any change in one’s physical capacity, is that it doesn’t just change that physical capacity. It also changes how you see yourself. I am used to thinking of myself as the capable one – the one who can power through and get it done no matter what. Lack of sleep, computer crashes, personal crises…whatever. I am a deadline meeter. Friend in need? I am care taker – I want to be the one to make it all right, or at least to provide the shoulder to cry on when I can’t. And at the same time, I am independent. I don’t need anybody – and when I do to rely on someone and they let me down, I tell everybody (myself included) that it’s no problem.
You notice how I’m using present tense there. Yeah. So this new way of seeing myself hasn’t exactly caught on yet. (You may also notice that I’m sounding pretty good up there. The funny thing is, I am not entirely convinced I actually MEET all those standards – it’s more that I expect myself to meet them.)
And while I’m not entirely sure I want it to, I’m not entirely sure I don’t, either. I mean, sure, I always want to be the person you can rely on to meet my commitments. But maybe it’s a good thing to have to be a little more careful about making those commitments in the first place. I always want to be a good friend. But maybe there’s a line past which I’m more of an enabler than an actual friend. I always want to be able to take care of myself. But independence is a pretty hollow goal. How about I try for interdependence with a group of people instead.
I am certainly not there yet. But maybe, if I can get there, this THING will turn out to be more of a blessing than it looked like at first.
Perhaps I’ve heard that idea somewhere before…
